10 Happiness Tips for People Who Have Been Hurt

Peace

“Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” ~Unknown

Maybe someone hurt you physically or emotionally. Maybe you’ve survived something else traumatic—a natural disaster, a fire, an armed robbery. Or maybe you’ve just come out of a trying situation, and though you know you’ll eventually recover, you still feel pain that seems unbearable.

Whatever the case may be, you’ve been scarred and you carry it with you through many of your days.

Most of us can relate on some level to that feeling. Even people who excel at taking personal responsibility have at least one story of having been hurt. Though some of us have endured more serious situations, you really can’t quantify or compare emotional pain.

To a teenager who just had her heart broken, the pain really seems like the end of the world. In fact, Live strong estimates that every 100 minutes, a teenager commits suicide—and that the number of suicides in high-income families is the same as in poor families.

Presumably, not all of those teens have suffered incomprehensible tragedies. What they have in common is pain, born from different adversities and circumstances.

When you’re hurting some people might tell you to “suck it up and deal,” as if that’s a valid solution. They may say “it’s all in your head” and assume that reasons away the pain. But none of that will help you heal and find happiness from moment to moment.

Like everyone, I’ve been hurt, in both profound and trivial ways. I’ve dealt with it using the following ideas:

1. Define your pain.

It’s not always easy to identify and understand what’s hurting you. Some people even stay in abusive relationships because it’s safer than acknowledging their many layers of pain: the low self-esteem that convinces them they deserve abuse, the shame over being treated with such cruelty, and the feeling of desperation that convinces them there’s no real way out.

The first step toward finding happiness after having been hurt is to understand why you were hurt, to get to the root of everything that makes the memories hard.

2. Express that pain.

There’s no guarantee that you’ll be able to communicate how you feel to the person who hurt you; and if you can, there’s no guarantee they’ll respond how you want them to. Say what you need to say anyway. Write in your journal. Write a letter and burn it. Get it all out.

This will help you understand why you’re hurting and what you’ll do in the future to avoid similar pain so you can feel empowered instead of victimized. Research has actually proven that people who focus on lessons learned while journaling find the experience more helpful than people who don’t (focus on lessons).

3. Try to stay in the present.

Reliving the past can be addictive. It gives you the opportunity to do it again and respond differently—to fight back instead of submitting, to speak your mind instead of silencing yourself. It also allows you to possibly understand better. What happened? Where did you go wrong? What should you have done?

In other words, it allows you to torture yourself. Regardless of what you should have done, you can’t do it now. If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, you may need professional help to avoid revisiting the incident. If you don’t, you need sustained effort. Fight the urge to relive the pain. You can’t go back and find happiness there. You can only experience that now.

4. Stop telling the story.

It may seem like another way to understand what happened, or maybe it feels helpful to hear someone say you didn’t do anything wrong and you don’t deserve to hurt. In all reality this just keeps you stuck right where you are: living your life around a memory and giving it power to control you.

No amount of reassurance will change what happened. You can’t find happiness by holding onto a painful story, trying to place in new, brighter light. You can only find happiness when you let it go and make room for something better. You don’t need another person’s permission to let go and feel okay.

5. Forgive yourself.

Maybe you didn’t do anything wrong but you blame yourself. Or maybe you played a role in creating your current situation. Regardless of what happened, you need to realize that what you did is not who you are. And even if you feel immense regret, you deserve to start today without carrying that weight. You deserve a break.

You can either punish yourself and submit to misery, or forgive yourself and create the possibility of happiness. It comes down to whether you decide to dwell or move on. Which do you choose: anger with yourself and prolonged pain, or forgiveness and the potential for peace?

6. Stop playing the blame/victim game.

Maybe you were a victim. Maybe someone did horrible things to you, or you fell into an unfortunate set of circumstances through no fault of your own. It still doesn’t serve you to sit around feeling bad for yourself, blaming other people. In fact, it only holds you back. You can’t feel good if you use this moment to feel bad about another person’s actions.

The only way to experience happiness is to take responsibility for creating it, whether other people made it easy for you or not. You’re not responsible for what happened to you in the past but you’re responsible for your attitude now. Why let someone who hurt you in the past have power over your present?

7. Don’t let the pain become your identity.

If everything you do and all your relationships center around something that hurt you, it will be harder to move on.You may even come to appreciate what that identity gives you: attention, the illusion of understanding, or the warmth of compassion, for example.

You have to consider the possibility there’s a greater sense of happiness in completely releasing your story.That you’d feel better than you can even imagine if you’d stop letting your pain define you. You can have a sad story in your past without building your present around it.

8. Reconnect with who you were before the pain.

It’s not easy to release a pain identity, particularly if you’ve carried it around for a long time. It may help to remember who you were before that experience—or to consider who you might have become if it hadn’t happened.You can still be that person, someone who doesn’t feel bitter or angry so frequently.

If you want to feel and be peaceful and happy, start by identifying what that looks like—what you think about, what you feel, what you do, how you interact with people. Odds are this process will remind you both how you want to be and how you don’t want to be.

9. Focus on things that bring you joy in the moment.

You don’t have to focus on completely letting go of your pain forever; you just have to make room for joy right now. Start simple. What’s something you can enjoy in this moment, regardless of what pain you’ve experienced? Would sitting in the sun bring you joy? Would calling your sister bring you joy?

Don’t think about the totality of the rest of your days. That’s a massive burden to carry—haven’t you hurt enough? Just focus on now, and allow yourself a little peace. You’ll be surprised how easily “nows” can add up when you focus on them as they come.

10. Share that joy with other people.

We often isolate ourselves when we’re hurting because it feels safer than showing people our vulnerability. What we fail to realize is that we don’t have to feel vulnerable all the time. We can choose certain people for support, and then allow ourselves time with others without involving our painful stories.

You can share a meal, a movie, a moment and give yourself a break from your anger or sadness. You don’t have to carry it through every moment of your day. Don’t worry—if you feel you need to remember it, you’ll still be able to recall it later. But as you allow yourself pockets of peace, shared with people you love, you may find you need that story a lot less.

***

Everyone deserves to feel happy. Everyone deserves a little peace. One more thing we all have in common: we can only provide those things for ourselves.

Courtesy: Tiny Buddha

My Life Experience from Nov-12-2012 to Sep-08-2014

I joined an organization on 12-11-12 (These numbers are now present in all my passwords and I’m gonna change all of ’em) and resigned on 08-09-2014. It was nice to work with these people.

Some of the one liners for me told by different people are as follows:

I told her that Darwin loved her and she told that she did not love Darwin back. I, then, told her that Darwin sat at the other building.

Do you enjoy stress? In what way has not having inner peace served you?

Your physical reality is just an illusion, but the experience of it is real. That is all is real. It is like a mirror. You know, you all know, if you have a glass mirror and you see your reflection in it and your reflection is frowning and you don’t go over to the mirror and try to change the reflection into a smile. You do not manipulate the physical reality because it is only a reflection. There is nothing there. But, you know that the moment you actually decide to smile, the reflection has no choice, but to smile back.

If you put your hand into the fire you will get burned. You can get burned, if you want to. It’s okay. If you, so happens, that you don’t want to get burned, you don’t put your hand in fire. So, in the same way, if you don’t want to be in a state of anxiety all the time, and, again I emphasize, if you like be anxious, it’s perfectly alright. You can go running around and play whatever you want just as long as you want to and as long as you think it’s fun. But, if there comes a time when you don’t think it’s fun, you don’t have to do it.

My Best Answers on Quora.

Be Discontent With Yourself

Remember three things: One, you must be consciously frustrated about the life outside. We are all frustrated, but unconsciously. And whenever we are frustrated unconsciously, we only change objects of desire. But one object exchanged for another will not help you to go in. You remain outside. You change one thing for another, then for another. Because you are frustrated by object A, you substitute your desire by object B. Then you are frustrated by object B, so you go on to C. You go on changing objects because you are only unconsciously frustrated. If you become conscious, then you will not change objects — you will change direction.

The root cause is this desire to get happiness through someone else. You go on changing persons, but this direction is never changed.

When I say, ‘become consciously frustrated’, I mean know well that persons are irrelevant. Unless you change your direction in the search for happiness, nothing is going to happen. When I say, ‘be consciously frustrated’, I mean don’t be frustrated by others — be frustrated by yourself, be frustrated about yourself. Only then does the direction change.

Way To Change

We are all frustrated by everyone else. The husband is frustrated by the wife, and the wife is frustrated by the husband; the son is frustrated by the father, and the father is frustrated by the son. Everyone is frustrated by others. This is the outgoing mind. Be frustrated with yourself, and then the direction changes: you start to go within. And unless you are frustrated with yourself, there is no possibility for transformation.

The second thing to realise is that whatsoever you are, it is because of you yourself. We say, ‘I am like this because of my destiny, because of the forces of nature, because of heredity, because of environment, because of society. ‘What is important is to remember that whatsoever you are, you are responsible. Society may have played a part and even destiny and childhood also may have played a part, but ultimately, you are responsible. This feeling is the base of all religions.

So the second thing: remember, whatsoever you are — if you are sexual— you are responsible. If you are angry, if you are afraid, if fear is your chief characteristic, then you are responsible. Everything else may have played a part, but only a part and that part also can be played only because you cooperated. And if you destroy your cooperation, this very moment, you will be different. So, the second thing is to be constantly aware that whatsoever you are, you are responsible. Responsibility is the basis of all religious transformation.

And, third, remain perpetually discontent until the light is achieved. Again, that is one of the most basic qualities of a religious mind. Ordinarily, we think that a religious man is a contented man. That is nonsense. He looks contented because he has the discontent of another dimension. He looks contented. He can live in a poor house, he can live in ordinary clothes, he can live naked, or he can live under a tree. He can look contented, not because he is contented with these things, but because, really, his discontent has gone towards other things, and now he cannot be bothered with these things.

He is so discontented with the inner revolution, so discontented hoping for inner light, that he cannot bother about these things. These things have just become peripheral. Really, they don’t mean anything to him. It is not that he is contented — they don’t mean anything, they are irrelevant. They are somewhere on the periphery; he is not concerned. But he lives in deep discontent, in fiery discontent. And only that discontent can lead you inwards.

Remember, it is discontent which leads you outside. If you are not happy with your house, you can make a bigger one. If you are unhappy with your financial position, you can change it. In the outward journey, it is discontent which leads you on and on. The same is the factor in the inward journey also. Be discontented. Unless you achieve light, unless you transcend mind, be discontent, remain so — this is the third point. These three points will help but they are just ‘helps’ or aids. The central thing is meditation. Meditate and with these ‘helps’, you can achieve the inner light.

Courtesy: Speaking Tree

What is Happiness?

It depends. It depends on you, on your state of consciousness or unconsciousness, whether you are asleep or awake. Happiness will depend on where you are in your consciousness. If you are asleep, then pleasure is happiness. Pleasure means sensation, trying to achieve something through the body which is not possible to achieve through the body, forcing the body to achieve something it is not capable of.

What is happiness

People are trying, in every possible way, to achieve happiness through the body. The body can give you only momentary pleasures, and each pleasure is balanced by pain in the same amount, in the same degree. Each pleasure is followed by its opposite because the body exists in the world of duality, just as the day is followed by night and death is followed by life and life is followed by death. It is a vicious circle. Your pleasure will be followed by pain, your pain will be followed by pleasure. But you will never be at ease. When you will be in a state of pleasure you will be afraid that you are going to lose it, and that fear will poison it. And when you will be lost in pain, of course, you will be in suffering, and you will try every possible effort to get out of it – just to fall again back into it.

The sleepy person knows nothing else. He knows only a few sensations of the body – food, sex. This is his world. And whatsoever you call pleasure is, at the most, just a relief of a tense state. Sexual energy gathers, accumulates; you become tense and heavy and you want to release it.

The man who is asleep, his sexuality is nothing but a relief, like a good sneeze. A tension was there, now it is no more there; but it will accumulate again. To the sleeping, pleasurable sensations are happiness. He lives from one pleasure to another pleasure. He is just rushing from one sensation to another sensation. He lives for small thrills. His life is very superficial; it has no depth, it has no quality. He lives in the world of quantity. The non-meditator sleeps, dreams; the meditator starts moving away from his sleep towards awakening.

Then happiness has a totally different meaning: it becomes more of a quality, less of a quantity; it is more psychological, less physiological. He enjoys music more, he enjoys poetry more, he enjoys creating something. He enjoys nature, its beauty. He enjoys silence. He enjoys what he had never enjoyed before, and this is far more lasting. Even if the music stops, something goes on lingering in you. And it is not a relief.

The difference between pleasure and this happiness is: it is not a relief, it is an enrichment. You become more full, you become a little overflowing. Listening to good music, something is triggered in your being, a harmony arises in you – you become musical. Or dancing, suddenly you forget your body; your body becomes weightless. The grip of gravitation over you is lost. Suddenly you are in a different space: the ego is not so solid, the dancer melts and merges into the dance. This is far higher, far deeper than the joy that you gain from food or sex. This has a depth.

But this is also not the ultimate. The ultimate happens only when you are fully awake, when you are a buddha, when all sleep is gone and all dreaming is gone, when your whole being is full of light, when there is no darkness within you. All darkness has disappeared and with that darkness, the ego is gone. All tensions have disappeared, all anguish, all anxiety. You are in a state of total contentment. You live in the present; no past, no future anymore. You are utterly herenow.

This moment is all. Now is the only time and here is the only space. And then suddenly the whole sky drops into you. This is bliss. This is real happiness.

Seek bliss; it is your birthright. Don’t remain lost in the jungle of pleasures; rise a little higher. Reach to happiness and then to bliss.

Pleasure is animal, happiness is human, bliss is divine. Pleasure binds you, it is a bondage, it chains you. Happiness gives you a little more rope, a little bit of freedom, but only a little bit. Bliss is absolute freedom. You start moving upwards; it gives you wings. You are no more part of the gross earth; you become part of the sky. You become light, you become joy.

Pleasure is dependent on others. Happiness is not so dependent on others, but still it is separate from you. Bliss is not dependent, is not separate either; it is your very being, it is your very nature. To attain it is to attain to God, to nirvana.

Courtesy: Osho News

The Purpose of Humans’ Life

A group of 50 people were attending a seminar. Suddenly the speaker stopped and started giving each person a balloon. Each one was asked to write his/her name on it using a marker pen. Then all the balloons were collected and put in another room.Now these delegates were let in that room and asked to find the balloon which had their name written, within 5 minutes. Everyone was frantically searching for their name, pushing, colliding with each other, and there was utter chaos.

Happiness is the purpose of life

At the end of 5 minutes, no one could find their own balloon.Now each one was asked to randomly collect a balloon and give it to the person whose name was written on it. Within minutes everyone had their own balloon.The speaker began: This is exactly what is happening in our lives. Everyone is frantically looking for happiness all around, not knowing where it is. Our happiness lies in the happiness of other people.

Give them their happiness, you will get your own happiness.And this is the purpose of human life.

The Secret to Happiness

What do we all have in common? We all want to be happy, no matter what age, stage, cultural or economic background we come from. The pursuit of happiness in universal terms simply amounts to feeling loved. Is it surprising then that when someone compliments us it makes our day and criticism makes us feel hurt and wounded?

Where are you looking for happiness?

The pursuit of happiness is really the search for love, approval and appreciation from the outside. Deep down, most of us function from the belief that, “Unless people approve of me, I’m worthless”. Most of us grew up believing that the admiration and respect of others [society] will get us the happiness and success we want. We also believe that satisfaction will be attained by romance or marriage, wealth or fame. No wonder then that we all live in a fear of failing and thus the fear almost runs our lives.

As long as our safety depends on how others judge us, we’re doomed for a life of disappointment. One of my gurus said to me, “No appointments, no disappointments!” Think about it. Expectation and disappointments are two sides of the same coin.

A familiar fear we all experience is the feeling, “There’s something wrong with me, and I’m not OK. If I was OK, they would love me and think I’m important.” We hardly ever inquire within ourselves if this is really true, and we may spend our life living this lie.

Why does this feeling originate?

It all starts in our thinking process. Whenever our thoughts focus on what’s missing in our life, when we feed a feeling of ‘lack’, we germinate the seeds of discontent. Our mental chatter becomes, “If only I .. had a companion/ was rich/ was living in America and so on. I would be happy.”

The irony is that the more we concentrate on what’s missing the more we struggle to win love and appreciation from others and the more we move away from actually experiencing them. Like needy little children, we banish happiness every time we want to impress and win approval from them. Whenever we try to please or manipulate others, or try to influence their reactions, we are increasing fear in our life. No wonder then, that the result is pain. Control creates separation and separation is painful.

Want to know the secret?

The eternal paradox is that in order to feel loved and appreciated we first need to love ourselves. Until then, no act of God or mortal can make us feel valuable and appreciated. When we love and accept ourselves we can allow others to love us. Now how simple is that! As simple as you make it to be! Go on, be happy and spread the secret.

Courtesy: Complete Well-Being